Say No Mo

Dear Yankee Apologist,

I am sorry. I feel badly. I feel upset that Willy Mo Pena went and hit that grand slam to beat the O's.

I am sorry that, while that was happening, you were being embarassed yet again in front of the Blue Jays and a bunch of sanitation workers at Yankee Stadium. I shouldn't really say "a bunch" because that implies that there were a lot of fans in attendance. They all left once you were down six nothing in the seventh. I guess it's understandable.

I am sorry that all your players were wearing those dumb "hoodies", as Michael Kay, your announcer, called them. It was cold out there. Cold in the way that chill wind blowing through the tomb reserved for Former Yankee Managers is cold. The door is opening. Are you ready, Joe?

By the way, I have a lot to say about Michael Kay, but I will say it another time, when your team isn't so embarassingly awful that the subject of Michael Kay would kind of be a redundant effort at piling on.

Anyway, back to tonite's developments. Wow. 6 games in a row.

Bob Shepard. Is he still alive, Yankee Apologist? Or did they record him saying those 7th inning stretch things so they could play for all eternity? Or at least as long as the Yankees insist on delaying games with showy, self-important displays of pomposity like playing God Bless America or having some mangy, caged eagle fly around the infield, or bringing out that jug-eared drunk Ronan Tynan for some quiveringly emotive and earnest singing. What must it be like to adopt the mantle of patriotism for an entire nation. No wonder George cries all the time. He's got a lot riding on this thing.

Anyway, back to the game. Wow. Did you lose a big one tonite. Those bats must have been cold to the touch. Like bone.

But at least Joe seemed into it. I mean, every time they cut away to Joe on the bench, he seemed like he was concentrating really hard. Maybe he had one of those tough little nuggets he hadn't passed yet. Like he'd had some corn or something with beans in it for dinner. I don't know, he looked mad, is all.

But I guess if he were to sort of move about a bit or talk to some of the players, what would he really say, anyway, right? "Play better!"..."Hit the goddamn ball!""You're embarassing yourselves out there!".....I mean, maybe Lou Piniella would say stuff like that, but that's not really Joe's style, is it? I learned that from Alex Rodriguez. He sort of helpfully pointed that out in his HBO Real Sports interview for that piece they did about Lou Piniella a few months back. I'm sure he didn't at all mean that as any kind of a dig at Joe Torre, though.

It was really cold in the Stadium. I wonder if Joe had some Bigelow Green Tea? He sure likes that stuff. It probably helps him keep calm. Maybe he really has some fire in his belly, you know? Like he wants to yell at the guys and tell them to play harder and stuff but the tea sort of keeps him calm and serene. It's definitely working.

Anyway, six in a row. And guess who's coming to town tommorow?

Yours,
The Editor