Friday, October 5, 2007

EVEN GOD HATES THE YANKEES, SENDS PLAGUE





So let me get this straight. Joba is "the Man". Joba is an unhittable, unflappable, mound-warrior, right?

Joba strides valiantly across baseball fields, unencumbered by failure, or the ability to be anything but a focused, perfect strikeout machine, right?

Joba has a mushy, Steinbrenner-is-crying-and-Dad's-motorized-cart-is charging heartwarming story, right?

But this guy is fazed by some flying insects?

Wait...this just in. The grill on Harlan's cart is clogged with gnats and his cart is overheating...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Yankee Class



Apparently, "The Yankee Way" is all about hideously outdated, embarrassingly awful "art" bestowed upon A Rod, as in this hilarious example from yesterday's "ceremony" at Yankee Stadium. By "ceremony" I mean "sad spectacle". Check it out online. Clock the "sculpture" of pink bats, falling to the turf. Clock "artist" Peter Max, the only guy milking his 15 minutes from the 60's longer than toothless hippy Richie Havens. Peter Max??? Where's Leroy Neiman when you need him? Oh right, he's dead.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Roger Clemens Sucks

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Roger Clemens has a 5.4 ERA. He gave up 4 earned in 6 innings.

He is Not Dominant. He is Old. He is Past It. He can no longer Get After It. He doesn't have The Stuff. He is Past His Prime. Your team is Shitting The Bed. Your team is Built On A Faulty Premise. Your team Sucks Labradoodle Anal Fissures For Moisture And Warmth. Your team is Worse Than Being Anally Raped By A Glass-Shard Encrusted Penis.

Your team Will Not Make The Playoffs. I Hate Your Team. I Want Bad Things To Happen To Them. I Am Blinded By Hate. I Wish Them Badness. Like, for real.

Yours,

The Editor.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Deja Vu All Over Again...

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Well, here we are again. I know it's been awhile since I've written you. I guess it seemed sort of obvious to me that your team, while displaying a brief streak of winning behavior, was emitting nothing more than a death bleat of pinstriped acquiescence to the essential truth of things for your franchise this year. So I didn't really feel like I needed to write you and say anything, because, hell, let you enjoy it, right?

Well, after the embarrassing lost series in San Francisco, and the awful start to your road trip, and the erosion of the slim margin by which you'd managed to whittle down that 14 and 1/2 game lead we had on you guys a few weeks back (it was briefly only 7 and 1/2 games, if you need a reminder of better days), it seems time to write again.

Time to write and say: I told you so. I told you that your little run was nothing more than a corrective blip. And now look at you. And look at me. And look at you. Joe Torre actually brought Roger Clemens into this game today in relief!

You are now back below .500 and back in last place in the East. Frankly, it's where you belong. You are a cellar-dwelling team of injured, aged has-beens. I don't want to have to say all this again, so I'm going to ask you nicely to roll over, die quietly, and, with the last few gasps of breath wracking your body, and the life spasm-ing out of you, reach for your own bag of lime to pour over your corpse so that I don't have to waste my time spreading it over your grave as I step over the bloated corpse of your ambition and arrogance on my way to the World Series.

Nice knowing you, Yankee-fan.


Best,

The Editor.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

OK, We Now Resume Our Regularly Scheduled Yankee Hating

Dear Yankee Apologist,

I know you've been wondering where I've been for some weeks now. Truth is, your team has sucked so badly that there really hasn't been much to write about as the Red Sox run away with it.

But today is of course a special day. Today is Rocket Day. In typical Yankee fashion, you've set him up for victory against the lowly Pirates. How I long for a disaster today. How I long for a groin injury to the 28 Million Dollar Travel Man.


I will be providing a running blog on the game this afternoon.


Yours,

The Editor.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Hey, Thanks For The Confidence, Mike...

Dear Yankee Apologists,

I bet Rodger the Dodger loved reading this today on ESPN.COM:



"If you're wondering just where Roger Clemens will slot in the Yankees' rotation when he rejoins the club somewhere around June 1, look no further than No. 3 starter Mike Mussina.
"Roger is very good, but somewhere between a No. 2 and No. 3 starter is more likely what he's capable of being," Mussina said Monday, according to The New York Times. "Everyone has to remember that he's 44 going on 45 [in August]. He's not what he was the last time he was here."

Even David Wells Thinks That's Fucked Up...

Wells doesn't agree with Clemens not traveling
ESPN.com news services

Roger Clemens has a big challenge ahead of him to get in shape and take the mound for the New York Yankees. But some around baseball think the Rocket is getting off too easy.


According to his contract, Clemens will not be forced to travel with the team when he isn't scheduled to pitch. He had the same deal with the Houston Astros. David Wells, a Yankees teammate of Clemens' in 2002 and 2003, doesn't agree with that.
"I don't think I would ever do it because of the fact I personally think it would disrespect the team and your teammates," Wells said, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "You look at the other players. How are they going to respect you? What are they going to think if you're not there pulling for the team?"
Future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux agreed with his San Diego Padres teammate.
"I can't imagine doing that," Maddux said, according to the Sun-Sentinel. "I like the game. I like the atmosphere. I appreciate what it has to offer. I want to play the whole year."
Wells was part of the trade with the Toronto Blue Jays that brought Clemens to the Bronx. The pair were then Yankee teammates beginning in 2002. Although Joe Torre said he cleared Clemens' arrangement with his veteran players, Wells told the Sun-Sentinel, "That's not the Yankee way. The Yankees have changed."
Clemens has been in such hot demand he has the luxury to not put his 44-year-old body through the extreme rigors of travel. But the pitcher knows that age won't be an excuse if he can't get into condition to help the Yankees.
"Mr. Steinbrenner, he doesn't care how old I am," Clemens said Monday. "He wants me to come back and play like I have in the past."
Clemens announced Sunday from owner George Steinbrenner's box that he was rejoining the Yankees. The Rocket has won seven Cy Young awards and two World Series rings. He will be paid about $18.5 million this season, but that's not what brought him back.
"If you think it's about money, you're greatly mistaken. I'm not going to put my body through the paces I put my body through to earn a few more dollars," Clemens said at a charity golf tournament.
Describing the decision to play for the Yankees, Clemens said it was a situation that unfolded very quickly.
"I didn't know the details of my contract sitting down yesterday," he said. "That's how quick the decision was made to do this."
Having played for Steinbrenner before, Clemens said all the right things about why he is returning to the Bronx.
"You're talking seven long years that we haven't been in the winners' circle," he said.
It's his past performances that earned Clemens a return trip to New York. He won titles in 1999 and 2000, then helped the Yankees reach the World Series in 2001 and 2003. They lost that final appearance to the Florida Marlins in what was billed as Clemens' farewell to baseball.
But when the Yanks let pitcher Andy Pettitte go to Houston as a free agent, Clemens changed his mind and followed his close friend to the Astros, where he pitched three more seasons.
The Yankees will pay about $26 million in salary and luxury tax in a one-year deal for the Rocket.
It's still uncertain when Clemens will make his debut this season. He said that will depend on how his preparations and conditioning go.
He'll start out in the minor leagues with workouts in Lexington, Ky., where his son, Koby, is playing with a Houston Astros' farm team.
Clemens is second on the career strikeouts list with 4,604 and has 348 career wins, putting him eighth on the list. Last season with Houston, he was 7-6 with a 2.30 ERA.
When asked whether this would be his last season in baseball, Clemens smiled a bit and declined to say.
"You know I'd be lying to you all if I said it again, because I'm not good at it," he said. "It's great to be able to make a great living, but when it's all said and done it's about how many rings that you have."
The more he thought about it, Wells warmed up to the idea of going for those rings as a part-time player.
"Roger might set the tone for the 40-and-above guys," Wells said, according to the Sun-Sentinel. "Hey, I might do it. He's a smart businessman."