EVEN GOD HATES THE YANKEES, SENDS PLAGUE

So let me get this straight. Joba is "the Man". Joba is an unhittable, unflappable, mound-warrior, right?

Joba strides valiantly across baseball fields, unencumbered by failure, or the ability to be anything but a focused, perfect strikeout machine, right?

Joba has a mushy, Steinbrenner-is-crying-and-Dad's-motorized-cart-is charging heartwarming story, right?

But this guy is fazed by some flying insects?

Wait...this just in. The grill on Harlan's cart is clogged with gnats and his cart is overheating...

Yankee Class

Apparently, "The Yankee Way" is all about hideously outdated, embarrassingly awful "art" bestowed upon A Rod, as in this hilarious example from yesterday's "ceremony" at Yankee Stadium. By "ceremony" I mean "sad spectacle". Check it out online. Clock the "sculpture" of pink bats, falling to the turf. Clock "artist" Peter Max, the only guy milking his 15 minutes from the 60's longer than toothless hippy Richie Havens. Peter Max??? Where's Leroy Neiman when you need him? Oh right, he's dead.

Roger Clemens Sucks

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Roger Clemens has a 5.4 ERA. He gave up 4 earned in 6 innings.

He is Not Dominant. He is Old. He is Past It. He can no longer Get After It. He doesn't have The Stuff. He is Past His Prime. Your team is Shitting The Bed. Your team is Built On A Faulty Premise. Your team Sucks Labradoodle Anal Fissures For Moisture And Warmth. Your team is Worse Than Being Anally Raped By A Glass-Shard Encrusted Penis.

Your team Will Not Make The Playoffs. I Hate Your Team. I Want Bad Things To Happen To Them. I Am Blinded By Hate. I Wish Them Badness. Like, for real.

Yours,

The Editor.

Deja Vu All Over Again...

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Well, here we are again. I know it's been awhile since I've written you. I guess it seemed sort of obvious to me that your team, while displaying a brief streak of winning behavior, was emitting nothing more than a death bleat of pinstriped acquiescence to the essential truth of things for your franchise this year. So I didn't really feel like I needed to write you and say anything, because, hell, let you enjoy it, right?

Well, after the embarrassing lost series in San Francisco, and the awful start to your road trip, and the erosion of the slim margin by which you'd managed to whittle down that 14 and 1/2 game lead we had on you guys a few weeks back (it was briefly only 7 and 1/2 games, if you need a reminder of better days), it seems time to write again.

Time to write and say: I told you so. I told you that your little run was nothing more than a corrective blip. And now look at you. And look at me. And look at you. Joe Torre actually brought Roger Clemens into this game today in relief!

You are now back below .500 and back in last place in the East. Frankly, it's where you belong. You are a cellar-dwelling team of injured, aged has-beens. I don't want to have to say all this again, so I'm going to ask you nicely to roll over, die quietly, and, with the last few gasps of breath wracking your body, and the life spasm-ing out of you, reach for your own bag of lime to pour over your corpse so that I don't have to waste my time spreading it over your grave as I step over the bloated corpse of your ambition and arrogance on my way to the World Series.

Nice knowing you, Yankee-fan.


Best,

The Editor.

OK, We Now Resume Our Regularly Scheduled Yankee Hating

Dear Yankee Apologist,

I know you've been wondering where I've been for some weeks now. Truth is, your team has sucked so badly that there really hasn't been much to write about as the Red Sox run away with it.

But today is of course a special day. Today is Rocket Day. In typical Yankee fashion, you've set him up for victory against the lowly Pirates. How I long for a disaster today. How I long for a groin injury to the 28 Million Dollar Travel Man.


I will be providing a running blog on the game this afternoon.


Yours,

The Editor.

Hey, Thanks For The Confidence, Mike...

Dear Yankee Apologists,

I bet Rodger the Dodger loved reading this today on ESPN.COM:



"If you're wondering just where Roger Clemens will slot in the Yankees' rotation when he rejoins the club somewhere around June 1, look no further than No. 3 starter Mike Mussina.
"Roger is very good, but somewhere between a No. 2 and No. 3 starter is more likely what he's capable of being," Mussina said Monday, according to The New York Times. "Everyone has to remember that he's 44 going on 45 [in August]. He's not what he was the last time he was here."

Even David Wells Thinks That's Fucked Up...

Wells doesn't agree with Clemens not traveling
ESPN.com news services

Roger Clemens has a big challenge ahead of him to get in shape and take the mound for the New York Yankees. But some around baseball think the Rocket is getting off too easy.


According to his contract, Clemens will not be forced to travel with the team when he isn't scheduled to pitch. He had the same deal with the Houston Astros. David Wells, a Yankees teammate of Clemens' in 2002 and 2003, doesn't agree with that.
"I don't think I would ever do it because of the fact I personally think it would disrespect the team and your teammates," Wells said, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "You look at the other players. How are they going to respect you? What are they going to think if you're not there pulling for the team?"
Future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux agreed with his San Diego Padres teammate.
"I can't imagine doing that," Maddux said, according to the Sun-Sentinel. "I like the game. I like the atmosphere. I appreciate what it has to offer. I want to play the whole year."
Wells was part of the trade with the Toronto Blue Jays that brought Clemens to the Bronx. The pair were then Yankee teammates beginning in 2002. Although Joe Torre said he cleared Clemens' arrangement with his veteran players, Wells told the Sun-Sentinel, "That's not the Yankee way. The Yankees have changed."
Clemens has been in such hot demand he has the luxury to not put his 44-year-old body through the extreme rigors of travel. But the pitcher knows that age won't be an excuse if he can't get into condition to help the Yankees.
"Mr. Steinbrenner, he doesn't care how old I am," Clemens said Monday. "He wants me to come back and play like I have in the past."
Clemens announced Sunday from owner George Steinbrenner's box that he was rejoining the Yankees. The Rocket has won seven Cy Young awards and two World Series rings. He will be paid about $18.5 million this season, but that's not what brought him back.
"If you think it's about money, you're greatly mistaken. I'm not going to put my body through the paces I put my body through to earn a few more dollars," Clemens said at a charity golf tournament.
Describing the decision to play for the Yankees, Clemens said it was a situation that unfolded very quickly.
"I didn't know the details of my contract sitting down yesterday," he said. "That's how quick the decision was made to do this."
Having played for Steinbrenner before, Clemens said all the right things about why he is returning to the Bronx.
"You're talking seven long years that we haven't been in the winners' circle," he said.
It's his past performances that earned Clemens a return trip to New York. He won titles in 1999 and 2000, then helped the Yankees reach the World Series in 2001 and 2003. They lost that final appearance to the Florida Marlins in what was billed as Clemens' farewell to baseball.
But when the Yanks let pitcher Andy Pettitte go to Houston as a free agent, Clemens changed his mind and followed his close friend to the Astros, where he pitched three more seasons.
The Yankees will pay about $26 million in salary and luxury tax in a one-year deal for the Rocket.
It's still uncertain when Clemens will make his debut this season. He said that will depend on how his preparations and conditioning go.
He'll start out in the minor leagues with workouts in Lexington, Ky., where his son, Koby, is playing with a Houston Astros' farm team.
Clemens is second on the career strikeouts list with 4,604 and has 348 career wins, putting him eighth on the list. Last season with Houston, he was 7-6 with a 2.30 ERA.
When asked whether this would be his last season in baseball, Clemens smiled a bit and declined to say.
"You know I'd be lying to you all if I said it again, because I'm not good at it," he said. "It's great to be able to make a great living, but when it's all said and done it's about how many rings that you have."
The more he thought about it, Wells warmed up to the idea of going for those rings as a part-time player.
"Roger might set the tone for the 40-and-above guys," Wells said, according to the Sun-Sentinel. "Hey, I might do it. He's a smart businessman."

Suzyn Waldman, Professional

Dear Yankee Apologists,

I am really enjoying the Clemens-signing backlash. It's surprised even me with its vehemence right out of the gate. The entire over-choreographed "spectacle" at Yankee Stadium yesterday had the unintended and typically Yankee result of embarrassing all involved. Clemens looks phony and disingenuous for his "handling" of the question of his "do whatever the hell you want" contract terms. The Yankees look desperate and needy for bending over backwards to accommodate a me-first player who wraps himself in the guise of responsibility and the shouldering of expectations even as he ignores the very real good he might do working with the Yankee's young pitchers when he is not pitching. The only thing missing was jug-eared drunk Ronan Tynan serenading The Rocket with "Still The One". Good Lord.


But nothing is as representative of the New Yankee Annoyance as Suzyn Waldman's hysterical, pants-shitting, saliva-spittling radio freakout as she "called" the Clemens owner's-box appearance. I haven't been able to find the raw, unexpurgated audio, but WCBS.com has a snippet at this link:

Suzyn Shits Herself

I defy anyone, even die-hard Yankee fans, to listen to that audio and not feel dirty. Suzyn Waldman is the furthest thing from any sort of credible "journalist", of course: we all understand that. But that's ok: that's not what she's there for. She is there to quiveringly and breathlessly describe the doings of "Jorgie" and "Jeter" and "A Rod" and "Joe" and the rest of her clubhouse "pals", while we on the other side of the speakers are made painfully aware of the disparity between the role those individuals play in her life, in her mind, and the reality of the role those individuals play in her life, in the real world. Suzyn Waldman makes Sweeny Murti look like the Carl Bernstein of clubhouse coverage. Even John Sterling was the model of restraint and decorum compared to Waldman's hyperventilating embarrassment.

And what, really, is there for her to be surprised about? That the Yankees overpaid for an aging superstar? Nope, no surprise there. That in the face of clear-cut evidence that the method in which this team was constructed has severe limitations and flaws, the team's reaction is NOT to put in place long term policies and plans designed to address the team's shortcomings but instead a flashy, short-term stop-gap measure designed to appease the Great Unwashed while fucking with the already delicate chemistry of a Yankee clubhouse already riven with problems? Also no surprise.

Let's examine the sad case of Ron Guidry. What, exactly, is Louisiana Lighting supposed to do now?? Do you think his word counts as much as Roger's? Roger, who has George's ear and pretends to represent the values that George worships, even as he dodges and ducks questions about why his name appeared on documents relating to the Jason Grimsley HGH investigation? As did Andy Petitte's, by the way. Clearly Roger's presence is SUPPOSED to "straighten out" the listing ship of Yankee Pitching. But what message is being sent when Roger can come and go as he pleases when he's not pitching. How is Guidry supposed to preach the philosophy of putting the team first when the biggest name in his stable doesn't have to play by the same rules as everyone else does? The short answer is: he can't. The medium answer is that Guidry has been chopped off at the legs by this move. And this is so so typical of the Yankees. Short-term. Stop-gap measure. And damn whoever else in the clubhouse and team is affected by it.

Classic. The Yankees single-handedly made the Red Sox look like the model of decorum and restraint. As we remain pleasantly above the fray here, I consider my team so lucky to have clear leadership at the helm. Now, it was a bloody and difficult process to get here, no question: there were very real and damaging growing pains in the sorting out of Theo and Larry's relationship. But we have clear leadership, we have a direction, and as a result, we have fielded for 2007 the best baseball team in the AL East.

Roger Clemens doesn't fix or answer anything for the Yankees. He merely points out the ongoing futility of moves like this. He illustrates the blindered, blinkered philosophy which continues to delude legions of Yankee players, fans, and executives: and that is that the answers lie in individual players, and not in organization-wide shared philosophies, patiently applied and lived-through.

Yours,


The Editor.

$28 Million Way To Say "Desperate"

By Ronald Blum, AP Baseball Writer | May 6, 2007
NEW YORK --Roger Clemens returned to the New York Yankees, making a dramatic announcement to fans from the owner's box during Sunday's game against the Seattle Mariners.

At the end of the seventh-inning stretch, Yankees public address announcer Bob Sheppard told fans to turn their attention to the box, where Clemens was standing with a microphone. As the video scoreboard in right-center televised Clemens, the seven-time Cy Young Award winner made the announcement himself.
"Well, they came and got me out of Texas and I can tell you it's a privilege to be back," Clemens said. "I'll be talking to y'all soon."
Clemens, who will turn 45 in August, agreed to a minor league contract and most likely will join the Yankees after several weeks getting into shape.
"I'm about at playing weight right now," he said. "I feel pretty good.
Clemens left the Yankees after the 2003 season, saying he was retiring, but after Andy Pettitte signed with the Houston Astros, Clemens followed his friend to their hometown team.
Pettitte returned to the Yankees this year, and Clemens followed on Sunday.
"It's another challenge," Clemens said. "I expect to do things at the age of 44, 45 like I did at 25."
The Yankees have been beset by a rash of injuries to their pitching staff, contributing to a disappointing 14-15 start. But they beat the Mariners 5-0 on Sunday for their fifth victory in six games after losing eight of nine.
"As I pledged just a few days ago, I will do everything within my power to support Brian Cashman, Joe Torre and this team as we fight to bring a 27th championship to New York," owner George Steinbrenner said in a statement. "Roger Clemens is a winner and a champion, and he is someone who can be counted on to help make this season one that all Yankees fans can be proud of. The sole mission of this organization is to win a world championship."

Today In Yankee Denial

Dear Yankee Apologists,

Here, in a nutshell, is exactly why so many of us find the Yankees so insufferably annoying and blindered.

Kei Igawa on his 4-inning, 9-hit, 8-earned run-on-3-home-runs outing:

"I don't feel like there was anything wrong, just the result. I just didn't do my job," said Igawa.
"I had a couple where the balls went in-between infielders," he added in denial, "and I had one bad ball I threw and it went for a home run. But overall I threw pretty well."

OVERALL I THREW PRETTY WELL????

Wanna Know What Incompetence Looks Like?

K Igawa 4.0 9 8 8 1 2 3 78-46 7.63
C Bean 0.0 2 4 4 2 0 0 17-4 12.00
L Vizcaino 1.0 4 2 2 0 1 0 22-14 6.35
M Myers 2.0 4 1 1 1 0 0 25-15 2.51

Telling Statistic

Dear Yankee Apologists,

Came across this interesting statistic that bodes very unwell for you and your team. Do you know what your record is in the Division? No? Well let me enlighten you:

it is 3 - 11.

Wow. Three and Eleven. You might want to call 311 and ask for some information from the city about what to do when your season is over in May. They might have some helpful tips.

The Editor.

I LOVE This Game!

Dear Yankee Apologists,

I thought I would bring this espn.com news item to your attention first thing this morning, it's just a really fun time to be a Boston Red Sox fan. I'm sure The Rocket is reading everything going on with you guys and thinking, 'yeah, that's where I wanna go pitch'.

Yankee season is over. I am calling it.




"The black and white of the pinstripes is more like dominoes these days because that's how the Yankees are falling.

It seemed the injury news could not get any worse but a New York Times report on Wednesday said that starter Carl Pavano plans to call Dr. James Andrews on Thursday to schedule an appointment after he experienced a setback with his strained right forearm.

Andrews is the noted Birmingham, Ala., surgeon who specializes in operations on the arms of major league pitchers.

"I don't think it ever gets easy," Pavano said, according to the newspaper. "I never dreamed it would be four weeks later and we're still concerned about it."

Pavano cut short a bullpen session on Wednesday in Texas and has been shut down for the immediate future. He hasn't pitched since April 9 and has made only 19 appearances for the Yankees since signing a four-year, $39.95 million contract before the 2005 season.

The staggering run of health problems with the Yankees played a major role in the team firing conditioning coach Marty Miller on Monday.

Prized prospect Phil Hughes was throwing a no-hitter into the seventh inning on Tuesday before leaving with a hamstring injury. He joined Pavano, Mike Mussina (hamstring) and Jeff Karstens (broken right leg) on the disabled list. Chien-Ming Wang was sidelined early in the season with a hamstring injury.

The Yankees' game against the Rangers was rained out on Wednesday."

Phil Hughes, Down

Dear Yankee Apologists:

It writes itself. We-weren't-gonna-bring-him-up-but-wait-we-did Rook phenom Phil Hughes throws six innings of no-hit ball...then leaves the game with a fluke hammie injury that's gonna KO him for six weeks.

On the flip side, you won 10-1. Phyrric victory with your morning pureed bananas, George?

Parsing Steinbrenner's Statement

Dear Yankee Apologists,

Well, "George" has spoken. Or should I say, Howard Rubenstein has put pen to paper and held George's hand as, crying, George made a wobbly, shaky 'X' on the signature line and babbled "Billy....fire him!....oh, Billy...why?? Whhhyyy?"

"The season is still very young, but up to now the results are clearly not acceptable to me or to Yankee fans. However, Brian Cashman, our general manager, Joe Torre, our manager, and our players all believe that they will turn this around quickly. I believe in them. I am here to support them in any way to help them accomplish this turnaround. It is time to put excuses and talk away. It is time to see if people are ready to step up and accept their responsibilities. It is time for all of them to show me and the fans what they are made of. Let's get going. Let's go out and win and bring a world championship back to New York. That's what I want."


Let's take a closer look, shall we?

"The season is still very young"

Translation: You have one month from today to turn this around, otherwise heads will roll. Consider yourself warned.

"But up to now, the results are clearly not acceptable to me or to Yankee fans".

Translation: I really, really, really hate losing to the Red Sox and to the Devil Rays. Haven't I made this abundantly clear?

"However, Brian Cashman, our general manager, Joe Torre, our manager, and our players all believe that they will turn this around quickly."

Translation: Cashman, and you, Frank Torre. Or Joe. Or whoever. You're the ones who I will fire.


It is awful quiet today out there in Yankee-land. No one has surfaced to talk smack or take potshots. They are bruised and battered. So as George has his head cradled and lifted by Howard Rubenstein, and as his dried, arthritic fingers reach once more for the Craftmatic remote, and as he grips his sippy-cup with two hands and softly cries and whimpers, the end of an era is near. Nigh on six years and counting since championships. Over a Billion dollars in payroll expended.

See no evil. Speak no evil. Hear no evil. The Yankee Way.

Oh, and one last thing. So Jeter comes out and gets all angry with his vehement statement of support for Torre. Do you think A Rod, reading that in the papers today, might be a little miffed? Might think, gee, that's great DJ, but...where were you when I needed you, Cap'n?


Yours,

The Editor

Some Interesting Statistics & Quotes Of Note

Dear Yankee Apologists,

Some numbers and sentiments you might be interested in perusing this morning:


*"I'm satisfied with the effort". Joe Torre, when asked about his team's performance versus Red Sox #5 starter Julian Tavarez.

*The Yankees have used at least 5 pitchers in each of their past 10 games, the longest such streak in the major leagues over the past 50 years. (Elias Sports Bureau)

*In their 5 losses against Boston, the Yankee bullpen's ERA is 8.66. Boston's in those same games: 1.35. (NY Times)

*Boston's bullpen has posted the lowest ERA in baseball, and has allowed only 1 earned run in it's last 15 and 2/3rds innings.

*Jonathan Papelbon has 8 saves in 8 chances.

*Hideki Okajima held Yankee batters to a .167 average during the five games in which he made appearances.

In the month of April, Hideki Okajima allowed a home run on his first ever major league pitch, to John Buck of the Kansas City Royals. Since that day, April 2nd, he has not allowed a run. He has a .071 ERA and 17 strikeouts in 12 and 2/3rd innings.

The Red Sox have the best record in the American League.

Alex Rodriguez's much-ballyhooed April came to a cold and depressing close once he ran into the Red Sox. He went 3 for 18 with no RBI over his last five games.

Bobby Abreau is on a 1 for 20 skid, the longest and worst of his career.

I Told You Not To Bring Out Ronan Tynan

Dear Yankee Apologists,

Well, I hate to be the one to say I told you so. You thought yesterday's win meant something, right? I know you did. I could feel it. I didn't want to be the one to let the air out of your tires, but the sad fact remains that you have now lost 8 of your last 9 games, you reside in the cellar of the AL East in last place, 6 and 1/2 games back from the Red Sox, who are in first place.

I know it's April. I know there's lots of baseball left. But look at the Mets. Look at the Cards. They both had shitty Augusts, but had built up such commanding pre-break leads it didn't matter. And now look at your pitching staff. The Kid on Tuesday. Rusty Moose. Then, whatever. The pen continues to be a disaster. I mean, I'm running out of material here.

And the fact remains that aside from Jeter's home run in the too-little-too-late category? You guys put one good swing on a ball today, and it was Doug Mentkaweiczzicwieickwicks who did it. Against Julian Tavarez. Who looks like he should be running the Netas in San Quentin.

Enjoy the papers tommorow, Yankee Fans, I know I will!

The Editor.

Good God, Not Ronan Tynan

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Just as I'm sitting here questioning myself about this blog, asking myself, "you know, do you really want to be in the business of negativity like this, even if it is The Yankees?"....Just when I am wondering if maybe I need to divert my energies elsewhere, your team brings out jug-eared, drunken Irish tenor Ronan Tynan for yet another overwrought, quiveringly sincere rendition of God Bless America, and the sanitation workers go wild.

God, I Hate The Yankees.


The Editor.

Al Leiter, Student Of The Michael Kay School

Dear Yankee Apologist,

Al Leiter is bordering on Kay/Sterling/Waldman/McCarver level annoyance. In discussing Okajima he just said "he's got a real good curveball, what we call a 12-to-6 curveball".

"What we call"?

Al, please let me explain something to you. "12-to-6 curveball" is not equivalent to a super-top-secret NSA code word for a dark-of-night black ops invasion operation. It is a commonly known and widely used phrase, one which even casual baseball fans have knowledge of. You are not a font of individual insight and knowledge.


The Editor

Bobby Abreau, Serial Bunter

Dear Yankee Apologist,


OK, seriously, what is up with Bobby Abreau and the bunting??? Bizarre.

The Editor